in & of itself resp.

As more of a filmic response, the editing of this movie allowed me grasp the emotional bandwidth of identity. Derek was able to call upon a single subject within the show based on the “I AM…” cards, but the editing allowed them to show multiple people with various identity cards at multiple points throughout the film. This juxtaposition spoke to the human struggle with identity rather than discussing the message as solely individualistically applicable. As a wholistic piece, though, I felt pretty confused and led awry by the constant allegories that Derek proposed to the audience, especially in the beginning. I was not able to wrap my mind around the idea of the Rouletista, for example, until he wrapped up the show and explained how it is applicable to his life. Not being able to understand how the stories that he was telling was frustrating for me as I wanted to be able to apply the message continually as I was watching the movie. The absence, in my mind, of a connecting thread between his personal references made me question myself and my ability to comprehend, as I’m sure it did many other audience members. By the end, though, when he discussed how the identity that other people see you as—in my case, a person who is not able to understand a movie that they’re watching, maybe—does not define you, I both comprehended the message he was creating throughout the piece and felt more comfortable in not being able to understand, initially. I found it really interesting.

packing for mars resp.

My difficult and tricky test began about four years ago when I left for college. “Do you wanna hit this?” In this moment, I failed—or succumbed—and accepted the test into my life. Though completely unaware of how they were about to impact my life, whoever offered it to me was opening the doors to one of the trickiest tests I have been put to yet.

In the beginning, I had no motivation to engage with the test itself. Instead, I spent time flipping through the pages and filling in, erasing, and filling in responses A, B, and C. I stopped using other people’s and bought my own, losing myself in the process of answering the questions rather than understanding them.

All of this is to say that I became cripplingly addicted to nicotine, and the test was whether or not I could curb it. Have I passed the test? No. But have I surpassed it at times? Sure. Some days have been easier than others, and I have successfully passed the test for certain periods of time. But passing a test is transient in that it does not mean you’ve passed the class. When we begin the next unit and prepare for the next test, we forget some of the lessons that we’ve learned along the way. As such, we regress, we forget the formulas we used to answer the first test’s questions. I am still doing my research, trying to remember those foundational formulas that gave me the ability to surpass the test. Until then, I remain a hopeless failure.